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And now ... Rob and Doug

By Mike Strobel, Toronto Sun

Toronto Councillor Doug Ford and his brother Mayor Rob Ford. (STAN BEHAL/Toronto Sun)

Toronto Councillor Doug Ford and his brother Mayor Rob Ford. (STAN BEHAL/Toronto Sun)

I haven’t been this excited since Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone’s safe.

Ford Nation, the talk show starring Rob and Doug, debuts on Sun News Network Monday night.

Will it be as empty as that vault on live TV back in 1986? Thirty million folks watched poor Geraldo pull out dust and some empty gin bottles.

You can bet Ford Nation will have plenty of dirt — but the mayor’s taste runs more to vodka.

The debut is pre-recorded, which is a shame. Rob is an improv genius, a maestro of impromptu. One more Fordian slip and the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart will spontaneously combust.

Luckily, I have purchased what I’m convinced is a cellphone video of the taping of Ford Nation. Here is an excerpt from the unredacted transcript:

Announcer: And now, from the studios of Sun News in downtown Toronto, Rob and Doug McKenzie.

Director: Ford! Ford! Damn, we’re live to tape. Keep rolling. We’ll bleep it.

Rob Ford: Good evening, Ford Nation and our fans across Canada and around the globe, including those hardworking Orientals...

Director: Bleep that!

Ford:...this is Mayor Ford, coming at you from the greatest and currently most notorious city in the world. Shout out to the Argos. They’re heading for the Grey Cup.

Director: No they’re not. They lost.

Rob: That’s a 100% outright lie. I was there, at the ACC. Saw it myself.

Director: Good gravy! The Argos don’t play at the ACC.

Rob: I’m very, very, very sorry. OK. (Long pause). I wasn’t at the ACC. All I can do is apologize and move one. What say you, Councillor Ford?

Doug: That game was kind of like what they did to Jesus, except without the last-minute comeback. Speaking of which, let’s talk about your resurrection.

Rob: Oct. 27! That’s the big day.

Doug: Darn tootin’. Democracy will rise again. What else we gonna rap about today, ya big, loveable hoser you?

Rob: Well, you know how sometimes beer companies give you money if you find a mouse or a bug or something in your beer?

Doug: Like the time you found a maggot peeking into your backyard?

Rob: Ha-ha. Good one. Exactly. Now, let’s talk about how to get a pinko inside a vodka bottle. So we can take it to the LCBO and get some money out of it, which we’ll give back to taxpayers.

Doug: I like it, brother. Would Adam Vaughan fit?

Rob: Don’t ya wish. No, what you do is you gotta stuff a baby pinko in there and feed it for a few years. Remember to keep the bottlecap on, eh? Those critters can make quite the racket. When it’s big enough, we take ‘er down to the liquor store.

Director: Why didn’t I take that job in Moose Jaw?

Rob: Give the man a raise!

Doug: So what else is happening, mayor? How’s things at home?

Rob: Well, I’m on a bit of a diet, and I don’t just mean food, if you catch my drift.

Doug: Keep your chins up, bro.

**********

From talking heads to bobbleheads...

The Robbie Bobbie goes to Bob Leufkens, 51, of Scarborough.

Bob wins the early bird draw for my Christmas Fund for Variety Village, which kicks off this week.

“I’ll give it to my mother for Christmas,” chuckles Bob. “Every time she sees Rob Ford’s picture in the paper, she cracks up.”

Very funny, Bob.

But the Christmas Fund, of course, is serious business. Every nickel — close to $1.3 million over the years — goes to Variety Village.

The Village, at Kingston Rd. and the Danforth, is a sports centre and social haven for disabled kids. It relies on donations to survive.

Want to help?

You can donate online at sunchristmasfund.ca.

Or mail or drop off a cheque — made out to Variety Village Christmas Fund — to the Toronto Sun, 333 King St. E., Toronto, Ont., M5A 3X5, attention Christmas Fund. A donation coupon and draw prize details are on Page 39 of Monday's newspaper.

Super Elf Christina Fleming is standing by. So are all those great kids at Variety Village

As for bobblehead winner Bob Leufkens, he’s a streetcleaner for the city, working around Queen St. and Nathan Philips Square.

Go to it, Bob. City Hall sure could use a good scrub.

Strobel’s column runs Monday to Thursday. mike.strobel@sunmedia.ca

 


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